On the verge

Will someone stop this trend of thoughts that is running through cos my heart hurts a lot. I wouldn't say I dont deserve this, but can I feel sad. Just let me be. 

Let's see, it's 1010pm now, I'm going to reach home at 12am and I've a pile of workload to clear. I need to wake up at 7 to prepare for project meeting at 9 tmr. I shudder to imagine my fatigue level for the coming 1month plus ahead. Im not exactly complaining, at least let me rant a bit. This is saddening because I'm at the verge of giving everything up. And I am really serious about it. Is it my fault for losing this passion? I guess I should shove the blame entirely to solely myself for not engaging enough. I

I need to stop being sad because of basketball because I'm starting to feel that everything is not worthwhile. I'm asking myself, is this what I really want. To get stressed out by them for having so little time and at the end of the day I'm the one losing out. 

Today I finally experienced what my friend told me a few years back. The feeling of not getting a second chance when you screwed up. She said at least you get to prove yourself when you did something wrong, but we don't. When we do something wrong we get subbed out and we leave there hanging. Yup, it happened. I was subbed in at the first quarter, screwed up and got subbed out at the 5mins mark.  It sucks, it really sucked. 

I miss everything. I miss smiling after every game. I miss that handshake and pat on back from yr friends telling you "well done you played well". I miss it when I really love basketball with no reasons. I miss the excitement of attending trainings even though I had 8 trainings a week back then. I miss the reason-less self to just want to play basketball everyday. And what I really  miss most is fighting with my teammates and the bond we shared.
No more, period.